you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
