And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
