I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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