why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
