The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
