i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
