Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
