I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Randomize
