He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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