Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
zippers are such a cool invention
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
