My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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