so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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