i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
