We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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