dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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