When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
