I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
