Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
