dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
