the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
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