either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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