How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
