take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
