I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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