he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
