he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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