I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
