i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
