I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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