My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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