found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
