I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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