When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
