Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
