I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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