Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
