Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
