he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
