She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
