I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
