Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
