Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I cut my penus on the lid.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
