Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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