So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
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