no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
