I think I died a long time ago.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
