Pregnant stripper...not hot.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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