It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
