sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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