Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it was like eating out sand paper
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
